30 feels good

I turned 30 yesterday and I haven't felt this good since I was 21. I didn't do anything crazy. No party, no liquor, didn't even dress up. Just spent the day with my baby and it felt so good. I guess you can say we enjoyed my gift and watched football and movies. But that was good enough.

What I've learned most about life--its truly the small moments that count. Nothing is worth frowning and a smile and a laugh can make my day. I've been blessed enough to have all my needs and even some wants.

That's all. Just want to share happiness:-)

:-)

In the past 3 years I've attempted to "find myself". What does that mean. Honestly, I can't be lost if I look at myself everyday in the mirror. But I was. I saw a reflection, but I didn't know the spiritual being that resided within this vessel. I spent the last few years learning that there is more to me, others and life than what I wanted to accept.

I fell in love with the earths most abundant and soothing element, water. I swam like a fish this summer..lol. I couldn't get enough. There was a real sense of freedom. Floating and staring at the sky, allowing the sun to penetrate my skin, so warm so soothing.

I learned to accept people for who they are. You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved. That process of change has to start within. My world,is my world. Be conscious and cautious of who I share it with. No one's opinion should take precedence over what I feel. In the end I have to play this role. Their just spectators.

I fell in love with me. I loved myself but I was never in love with myself. My body is my temple. My eyes are the gateway to my soul. And my soul depends on my heart to survive. I no longer yearn for better. Because that will be a constant uphill battle. I won't have a chance to ever appreciate where I am. I instead strive to make the best of what I have. I ensure my decisions are all aligned with where I want to be. I love hard because it the best feeling on earth. I treasure TRUE friends because they can be the second best thing to family. I adore my immediate family because they are the roots to my tree. My parents are the reason I am who I am today. They gave me every tool I needed to succeed. Unconditional Love, Structure, Discipline, and Freedom to learn from my mistakes. Because of them I'm learning what it is to share and receive love. I'm growing with someone that I've admired for 10 years and had the past few months to get a chance to love again. This time is different, its new, it 100x better. His patience is uncanny and his love seems endless. I used to wonder how it would feel to be with you and now I can't imagine life without you. Your my best friend, my superman, my booh booh:-)

I guess you can say I'm enjoying my journey of blissfulness.

I have nothing to FEAR

Today I feel like I'm on a natural high. Came into work to drama and cursing. It appears someone was sitting in one of my boss's office, which didn't allow him to conduct a conference call. Then to make matter's worse he has a bridge that keeps dropping the call. Gladly his anger wasn't directed to me, but I could imagine how poor little missy felt when BK went off on her. Doesn't help that I didn't stroll in until about 9:15. What can I say it's summer it's hot, I'm a bit lazy. I can't just imagine how ditsy she was acting. Funny enough when he comes out of his conference cal, he is ok with me.

Then I somehow get a deposit into my account don't know where it's from nor do I care at this point. Just happy that I have some extra money:-)

After all this excitement one thing keeps resonating in my head. Iahve all the cards I need right now to win and it's a matter of how I play them. I feel I have a whole deck on my side. All my desires are here, its just a matter of the choices I make. If you want to get to a diamond you have to begin my chipping away at a rock. You can look at it all day but won't get it's beauty until you reach the center. That's how I am feeling about life. It's not enough to think about what I want. Its time to go after it with a vengeance. Like tomorrow is it for me and I have to fulfill it all today.

I'm starting by committing to appointment. I'm going to go through my expenses and take care of all I have to asap. By end of year I should be back on track with everything and looking forward to working on a house. I just feel fully equipped. But without the right focus I'll be like batman without money..lol No one..and nothing..lol

I'm ready to take the world over by storm today. But it will begin with me sticking to my commitments no matter what. No more last minute changes due to attitude or anything of the sort. I'm just ready to be happy, everyday:-)

Squirt

I don't know where to start. Its weird because I know I'm proud of myself. For the first time in a long time I'm being fully honest with myself and I love it.

First let's start with my job. A great opportunity presented itself last week and I have decided to pass it up. Not because I don't think I'm qualified, but because I want to get the grounded experience that I initially came into this company for. Plus I like Nitro. More my style. Lol

Ohh before I forget, I'm getting better with keeping appointments. It may seem small but went to my girlfriends son's 1st bday party this Saturday and it was nice. Nice because I didn't disappoint anyone, bc I followed through with my word and bc I was able to share in such a monumental moment. I also lost my bank card on Saturday but you know what, didn't phase me this weekend @ all.

Sooo, on to juicy things. I'm learning A whole lot about myself. Now this may be one of my most personal tales that I will share. First thing I have grown to truly admire, shit LOVE intimacy. Not sex. Screw sex that's empty. I love a man that in that moment he pretends only u two exist. Meaning pleasure experienced is equal to pleasure shared. Well with that said I have experienced something recently that until this moment still amazes me. Oddly enough I was able to accomplish it myself, I'm officially a squirter. If your not familiar with the terminology, don't look it up. Lol. You may look at me funny or be intrigued and want to see. Either way I rather not. Lol. After a conversation with my LLL (long term lover-LMAO) I have been informed that I have always done this specific task. Now when I think of it I remember thinking I was urinating @ time. Lol. That sounds nasty when I say it and I'm sure he didn't think it was to funny as he heard it. But the good thing is it isn't what I thought it was. Lol I'M NORMAL! To make it even more intriguing I had a squirt-a-thon yesterday. Well that's what it felt like. Too funny one even shot by my shoulder, don't ask how. I just love the release.
You know what is weird, well not weird but in my thoughts..I think I may have exp'd this feeling b4. Not seeing the physical, but feeling the thrust that came with it. Funny thing, I did not have the same effect. Which leads me to my next thought. Could it be that when I experience things with LLL the exp is better, YES. He is exp'd, gentle and I love his body. Can't say he wasn't more cut 3 years ago but I still love it now. Ohh man.

Ok...now that I have finished sweating. Guess I can bring you up to speed with the rest of my life. Lol. The youngin is damn near on my last nerves. I won't say the normal there's nothing wrong with him bc there is. At least in my eyes there is. He just isn't what I need. Don't get me wrong I asked for someone w patience but not someone dead to me. Then to make it worse someone I can't trust for shit. Weird I guess. Kept him around for convenience not realizing it was just costing me. So now trying to just keep my distance. Its weird bc part of me really wouldn't mind, but I just don't trust this, I can't. I WON'T!

So where does this leave me. In a weird place to finish my Thesis in the next 3 months and just continue to be happy with myself. I have life, love (of self especially) and happiness. To ask for more in this world at this exact moment would make me selfish...
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And the Journey Continues...

It's about 11:30 and I'm wide awake. I'm starting to think taking my mother to work every night is therapy. It forces me to drive better and it forces me to think fairly clearly in an hour when I don't like to operate with my conscious mind (if that makes any sense).

Today I chose to reach out to the Lion to say that its about that time we really move on from one another. As always he had to be dramatic about the entire situation. Tears and all. I don't mind a man showing emotion, I hate when it's all about the dramatics. You ever found that person that for whatever reason they use everything you have ever said to them against you, even subconsciously. I should say I hope subconsciously. I hope someone would never maliciously do such a thing. Needless to say it ended with me agreeing to one last meeting. Only to now sit and realize it will never happens. He has set me up for failure before I even make a move. No thank you.

Tonight I'm releasing a part of me, The needy part. The part that was so willing to give up who I was, that girl in the mirror. For who I wanted be or better yet the title that tells the world who I am. I can't wait for the day I am able to create my own family and simply show that what love is. In the meantime, I have a great family. A mother that loves me to death, a dad that is just that a respectable dad. A dog that would die for me (deep down I think its the treat he would die for but he knows he needs me for that treat:-)

I have to say for the first time in a long time I'm smiling in my heart. I understand more and more that I'm definitely that person that doesn't hear until she feels. And I have felt enough pain to know this isn't how I want to remain. I felt enough good and bad to understand what it is I need in life and decipher that from what I want in life. I'm not willing to give up everything that makes me, me simply for the pleasure the world say's I should treasure.

I rather be in awe of a rose that has fought its way out of a concrete than have admiration for a rose bush. It's not that the rose bush isn't beautiful (it's just I have allergies!!!-just kidding). The rose bush is in it's natural element, just as mother nature intended. The rose that has fought it's way through concrete has defied the restraints place on it by it's surrounding. It's beauty is not so much in what it is, but in how amazingly it over defied all odds and stands tall amongst so much nothing.........

That's me.. There is so much nothing on this earth. I mean everything is substantial in it's own way. But some people are simply taking up space. The choices I'm making about my life now will make me stand out in the. I won't be considered average and some may even question my internal beauty. But at the end of the day I'm being true to myself and I love it....

Today I promise to continue to live like that rose. I want to always go above and beyond the expectations that life has for me. I won't settle....Today I end the Journey for my Prince and start the Journey of my Blissfulness...

How interesting

How interesting is it to read the contract between my last two postings. I must have been pissed that day....:-)

I think

Soooooooooooo.....I think I found him. I know it's not fair because I didn't keep up with all my dates, but trust me some were meant to be forgotten. Just so you can get a taste, I gave my number to a Sicialian/Peruvian. This I thought would have been a wonderful mix. Stock broker, works for a very nice financial firm. Sounds good right, wellll...turns out he was nuts. Stood him up so that I can focus on getting this relationship (yes relationship, like monogamous relationship) off the ground. Boy text me over 100 times calling me every name in the book .Thank goodness he didn't know my car or where I live. Se la ve to the dating world and single laugh......Here's how the journey is going with my Prince.....


I am sure I had mentioned my "youngin" in at least one blog. We met over a year and a half ago. He was blocking my way in the street trying to tow a car illegally and i refused to squeeze through bc I had just purchased my car and really didn't know how to maneuver it that well. He said he would move the truck if I gave the number. As stupid as though sounded I said ok and gave the right number. Why, I don't know, honestly I think it was his eyes and his smile. The combination made me melt. Needless to say I couldn't focus on him at the time. I was too caught up in other stupid things. He became my lil friend. Good for loing and relaxation, didn't find too much pleasure in him sexually because I got everything else where and he was on that I don't' do this and that ordeal. I started school and we kinda drifted further apart. I would see him here and there and from time to time, but nothing really serious.

I think the change began to take place when he came back for Ja. He mentioned missing me and having something special to show me, when he came back but I really didn't take it to heart. Needless to say he came back and shortly after one night when we were chillin, he asked what my limits were. I will never forget that night. My limits (ummmm no bootyyyy..lol) that's my limit. He munched away...OMG it was as though the child never had this kind of delicatessen before..lol I loved it, but still didn't care for him.

You see the reason he is called "youngin" is obviously because he is younger, 4 years younger to be exact. But mentally he is right where I need him to be. My biggest concern was him always having friends around and being around friends and that is not even in question anymore. He is very mature and I can't ask for anything more than that. Gone are the days when i pull up to 10 dudes in the garage and I suck my teeth and drive away. But that was the extent of his immaturity that I would have not have been able to handle.

Back to him...So since I say April we (I) been trying to get rid of the extra baggage and I just couldn't shake it for a while. When I say extra baggage I am referring to Turtle and Lion..lol. They are so gone out of my life it is not funny and my goodness I didn't know what I was missing. It wasn't until around the summer that we really started to hang out a lot bc school was over classes at least by then. I remember the first time I kissed his bottom lip. His bottom lip is so soft. When he looks at you you feel like he can tell everything that is going on in your thoughts, like is directly trying to connect w ur heart . You feel like you can't even tell a white lie bc he knows. His smile makes me absolutely want to laugh even when I rather be upset. It's really contagious bc it's so gorgeous. He has a gentleness to him that I love. He respects me and compliments who I am. He listens and I know I can talk...but he never stops listening.........

Im so head over heels it's crazy. You know when you find yourself just thinking about them throughout the day. When you see him walk in front of your comp screen. Or can't wait to see if that next text message is from him. How about the way your about to text and he calls the office line. It's like how beautiful is it that I am thinking of you while you are thinking of me.

I think it was right after his bday that I knew I really wanted to just settle and this was IT (he may have decided that earlier but anyone who knows me, knows that this whole thing is a process for me). I no longer want to even think of another man because my prince is right here. It wasn't anything that was said per se, it was more so the actions of the day and the energy that was felt in our moment. He captivated me. He made me want to love and open myself to a man entirely. He takes care of me in so many ways and in return allows me to be there for him. He is willing to grow and never ever speaks down to me. We laugh, I have cried, we rest, we (eehhemmm..lol) but in it all it feels the same that I have what I have been waiting for all this time. My Prince....

I don't quite know how to explain this whole thing other than saying...I can't believe I'm growing in Love :-)